Through a foggy window

Cooking did not happen.  Life happened.

It's like I'm looking through a foggy window and you know how sometimes there's a tiny little spot that seems clear enough for you to look through so you strain your eyes trying to see through that little spot then you realize you couldn't actually see through it to begin with?

That's what I'm constantly feeling like.  I keep getting these little clean specks of window that I try to look through, and it turns out, it's just as foggy as the rest.  

I'm trying.  I try to rub the smudge away, look through it, pretend it's not there.  It's there and I can't see through it.  Other's can see through it, they've found perfectly clear panes and try to tell me what it looks like through it, but I can't get to that point of understanding.

The only feeling I can really convey is sadness.  I'm sad all the time.  Even when I have a moment of happiness, it's not real.  It's just a burst of irrational emotion to counter the sadness I'm constantly fighting.  

I'm at a crossroad in my life.  I feel like if I don't choose the right path, I'm going to be stuck in a lifetime of sadness and foggy windows.  

I want a clear window...or at least one with only a few smudges.