Destruction

Over the weekend, I did some much needed spring cleaning.  Halfway through, I ran out of laundry detergent...so my living room looks like this:

Egads!!!  That is a hot mess.  You can see Massimo didn't mind at all.  He loves it, actually.  He can hide his toys and bones in it...which is practically his favorite thing to do.  

I pile it in my living room because my bedroom is too far away and I hate it when things are blocking my way in my kitchen.

Some of it is goodwill that I need to wash before I give away (I can't stand the idea of giving clothes away that aren't freshly washed), and a vast majority is from my lack of laundry lovin'.  Seriously...I hate doing laundry.  But, every now and then it HAS to be done.

I'm not even embarrassed.  Anyone that knows me knows I hate laundry.  

Potential Love Interests

Potential love interest time?

Let me start with a disclaimer that I really suck at dating.  I'm horrible at it.  

I vehemently resent the idea of dating.  Yes, that's the best statement for it.

Reasons: I'll like someone, they don't like me back.  Someone likes me, I'm not interested in the slightest.  Find a "friend" to be "friends" with and they're horrible at being "friendly".  

The worst thing with potential love interests is when a precedent is set.  Mostly, with texting, which, how can you date in this modern time without texting?  You really can't.

Here's the most annoying thing...follow along kiddies:
You start talking to a guy.  You text all of the time.  You text for weeks and weeks.  He texts first, you text first, it doesn't matter.  You decide to go out on a date.  He texts you after the date.  You assume everything is all great.  Resume texting.  One day, you don't get a text...odd, right?  You text nonchalantly like "Hey, what's up?" and suddenly you're needy!

Now, I've never actually had someone come out and say "holy catballs, you're needy", but it's really easy to assume that that's what they're thinking.  Here's the thing: you're not needy...you've gotten into a routine of texting this one person everyday and suddenly they're not texting and you are just resuming as normal...except for some reason, they've decided without cause or warning that they've had enough.  

This really bothers me with dating.  I mean, I could write a whole book on mistakes I've made while dating, but being needy wouldn't be on the list.  I'm quite ok doing my own thing...as a matter of fact, I've spent most of my life doing my own thing.  I obviously don't need someone else to function or else I would have died over a decade ago.  

Here's another thing.  Dating is so fucking mysterious.  What the fuck happened to the old courting rituals.  I mean, I'm not saying let's all go back to arranged marriages (which usually are awesome as fuck, by the way), but how about being open and honest.  You didn't talk to a girl unless she was a whore or you wanted to marry her.  What happened to that?

I'm tired of being forced to play these dating games when they go against my very being and nature.  If I like someone, what's wrong with being like "Hey, I like you."???  I think nothing.  I've opened myself up for rejection, but I've put my feelings out there and really, that's all that can be done.  I hate having to mask my feelings and play coy.  I'm not coy.  I'm up-front.  

I think I'm a catch.  Maybe I'm not.  Dating causes self-doubt.  How can we move forward if we're full of self-doubt?

Honesty

I'm going to admit something...I started writing this blog, got sidetracked looking at "honesty" memes and an hour later, here I am, restarting this entry.  

I'm really into honesty.  I'm very open and up-front with pretty much everything.  I hate when people try to involve me in drama, when people try to play games, when people are coy just for the hell of it.  

This is really the worst with two types of people: family and friends.

With family (and I'm including my closest of friends...or friend...here as well) I waste no time in insincere niceties.  I tell everyone the truth, whether they really want to hear it or not.  Now, I'm not a huge bitch about it, I'm just up-front and honest.

Example:
Mom: What do you think about my new orange sweater?
Me:  It looks like you're getting ready to go deer hunting.

Katie:  I'm never allowed to get the things I want.
Me: 1. How about getting a job.  2.  That's the biggest lie you've told all week.

Dad:  Why don't you have $5,000 in savings right now?
Me:  Because being an adult is hard and I have bills, yo.

There's so much more...here's a rant that I give my honest opinion on several times a month.  My aunt and uncle lock everything up like Fort freaking Knox every.time.they.go.in.or.out.of.something.  It drives me bat-fucking insane.  If it's 5:30 on a Tuesday and you're home, why the hell is your whole house locked up?  NO ONE IS GOING TO BREAK IN AND RAPE YOU.  AAANNNNDDDD if they do decide to break in, you have a giant fucking arsenal in your house...I think you'll be ok.   I can't explain how much this irks me...and I've told them on multiple occasions.  You know, if it's your house, whatever, that's your house.  If you're at my house or you're expecting company...why the hell?  Why the hell?

Some people get their panties in a wad over honesty, so you really have to ask with each individual person..........is honestly the best policy???

Hashtags

I'm not a fan of hashtags...I'm not really up on the trending topics and twitter lingo.

I do know what it is, though.  So when I was watching "The Chew" the other day, they made a cake with a very nice message on it:

You're bad in bed.  #Lazy

I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time.  

I think we've all been with someone at some point that this applies to.  Here's the kicker...you can't say anything to them!  So, putting it on a cake, was an obvious answer that I would consider trying if the opportunity ever arose again.  

If you're in a relationship and feel this way, make the cake with the letters on it.  Share it (eat it carnal style with your hands).  Have sex.  I guarantee they'll be better.

Blind as a Bat

Did you know that most bats are not, in fact, blind?  They can see like cats.  There are some (mostly bug eating bats) that use echolocation and not their eyes to hunt, which is what most people think of when they think of bats' vision.  I'm not ashamed to say this is from Discovery Kids. http://kids.discovery.com/tell-me/halloween/are-bats-really-blind  Hey, it was the first thing to pop up on my google search.

On this note, I feel obligated to tell you that I feel as blind as a bug eating bat today, without the ability to use echolocation.  

I took my contacts out Sunday because they got dust or makeup or something on them and it was making my vision blurry.  So I put them in solution and shook the container really well to clean them, then left them out overnight.  Well, turns out, I'm not too keen on putting contacts back in, so I wore my glasses Monday and Tuesday.  Last night, I was exhausted when I finally got home, so I took my glasses off, put them (I presume) on the dining room table, and went to bed.  This morning Massimo decided that he wanted to come to work with me today, so I had to wrangle him around and make him stay (I haven't had the heart to put him in his kennel all week and he's been very well behaved about it).  SO, very long story short, I left my glasses at home.  No contacts.  No glasses.  Driving was an adventure this morning.  

I could see the road, but road signs and distance aren't very visible, so it was a slow trek this morning.  I can feel myself squinting as I'm working today (which makes me cringe...I can feel the wrinkles developing), and every time I catch myself I pop my eyes wide open.  I'm sure I look completely normal doing it.

I'll be putting my contacts back in as soon as I get home.

Massimo Alejandro Gross

Big news!!!!!

I adopted the most stinking cute puppy you'll ever lay eyes on.

I cropped myself out since I was having a particularly lovely hair day.

Isn't he so stinking cute?  His front paws have grown back in (this was taken his second day with me).  He has such a personality.  And he's a bit spoiled, but don't tell him that.  He thinks it's supposed to be that way.

I need to get him in obedience school...he has a very keen way of ignoring me when he wants.  It normally doesn't bother me, but when we go outside, I get really scared when he doesn't listen.  

They told me he was 7 months old when I got him, which would make him almost 10 months now, but he has grey hairs on his head...so it confuses me.  I do believe he is young because after about a week with me he lost a baby tooth (which tripped me out, I was terrified he had hurt himself), but the grey hair is throwing me.  He does have a white patch on his belly, maybe it's just white hair sprinkled on his head.  

All I know is that when my Daisy got older, her face started turning white, which is what confuses me about him.  

Also, they told me he was a long hair chihuahua, but he looks an awful lot Pomeranian-ish as well.

His name is Massimo, and I call him a myriad of nicknames for short, usually Mass.  The Alejandro bit I just threw in for funsies.

Is that me???

Have you ever had one of those days where you just forget to put deodorant on?

Yeah, me either.  Except for today apparently.  I just noticed...it's 3:30 in the afternoon.

The best part, when you finally notice that you aren't wearing deodorant, you start to sweat...out of nervousness, out of your soul's self-punishment...I don't know.

The point is, I was fine until I knew and now I'm not fine.  I didn't wear makeup today...no big deal...I realize I'm not wearing deodorant, suddenly I'm in need to go home and shower.  

And here's the funny thing, I remembered to put perfume on this morning, which I never, ever, ever do.  I guess it's one or the other.  Maybe I was distracted or out of it or something.  I guess I will never know...

I do know, however, that I will be applying liberal deodorant when I get home!!! 

A little gift from old me.

I was looking through my baking supplies today, scoping my ingredients (birthday cuppies to be made tomorrow), and i saw this odd shaped box behind some liners.  Holla!  It was a Lindt white coconut choco bar!  It sure is delicious, even though it has a best before date of 2009...come on, does chocolate really expire?

Why are you still single?

Isn't that just the absolute worst question to hear?  

What type of answer are they expecting?  Something tearful and heartfelt?  I doubt it.

Here are some answers that I have come up with to stop with the question.

Why are you still single?
I decided to dedicate myself to the Tibetan monk lifestyle.

Why are you still single?
I just think other humans as a whole are gross and despicable. 

Why are you still single?
I'm studying to be a Catholic Priest

Why are you still single?
I was in a relationship, but then he killed a bunch of people, and I'm a little scarred.

Why are you still single?
My vagina has teeth.

Why are you still single?
I'm waiting for an alien invasion...I see myself with someone other-worldly.

Why are you still single?
My dog is too important for me to bring another man into my life.

I mean...come on.  Yes, I know I'm still single.  Is there a reason?  If there is, I don't freaking know!  It's not like I've made it my life mission to be 28 and single...Oh, and guess what?  I know that I'm single.  I don't need you asking questions about it like you really need to know.  You don't.  Trust me.  You don't.

Tattoos and whatnot

I haven't talked about tattoos yet, so I thought I would take a break from my normal hilarity to bring you some words on tattoos.  

Side note...how the heck did Jason Aldean get on my "Dance" playlist?  No.

Changed the song and back to normal.

Here's my most recent tattoo:

IT'S AN ADORABLE GNOME!!!  

It's big...on my left thigh and I love it.  Every day I love it.

I got it for my Nana, who passed almost two years ago now.  Wow, time flies.

Story time?  Yes.

Nana loved gnomes and I got my love of gnomes from her.  She has this amazing collection of these really crinkly, dark gnomes...like seriously, over 200 of them.  Anyways, the artist that does them had a gnome called the "Elizabeth" gnome...which was her name (and also, bonus, my other grandmother's name as well!).  So, I decided I wanted this gnome to be reading a book instead of sitting on a bench, as Elizabeth gnomes are want to do.  I also got a big yellow rose because they were her favorite.  

The artist did an amazing, amazing job.  [BRAD AT ELECTRIC ART TATTOO, LEXINGTON, KY  www.art859.com]...seriously, he is amazing.  I sat through over 4 hours of crazy bleeding, swelling, and serious pain, but oh, it was worth it.  I look at it everyday and love it more.

Side note, my sister wanted a tattoo before she saw me get this one...she changed her mind.  Eh, it's not for everyone.  

Now, for the future....I have wanted an owl tattoo for EVAAAA!  My sister drew one for me and eventually I will get it.

Also, I decided the other day that I wanted an anchor on my foot.  My right foot.  To remind me to keep anchored.  I tend to get carried away with things and overwhelmed, and my mom and dad always tell me to calm down and think about it...anchor myself.  Eh?  Whitty and awesome.

I also have two others that I really want, but these two will come first.

Wooooo for tattoos!

Apple Galette

Sometimes I get the need to bake something really awesome.   

Today, I had a surplus of bananas (that I buy but never eat) and apples.  

What to make...what to make.  I know...apple pie, apple bread, and banana bread.

Well...that turned into apple galette (courtesy of Julia Childs).

Here's a quick breakdown of what I'm calling the best thing I've ever baked:

LOOK AT THAT BUTTERY MARBLING!

Applesauce portion

Apples for the top AND apple bread

Baking the crust

Coming together

Getting ready for the oven

Best thing you've ever wanted to eat, right?

 Essentially, I'm pretty awesome in the kitchen.  Tell me again why I'm not married yet?

Juan Taco

All I want is juan taco...

Get it?  Juuuaaaannn taco?  Instead of one, juan!?!  Yeah, it's not funny anymore.

Actually, I'm still laughing, but I can understand how it may or may not be funny to everyone.  But it cracks my shit up.

                                                   Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh???

Since I wanted such things, I had to go to the store to get provisions.  Mainly, everything except salsa and onion...because I'm weird like that and have random things in my fridge.

I had a concise and poignant shopping list.  

I failed.  Banana's got me.

I saw someone eating a banana earlier today, and when I saw them in the store, I lost my shit over them.

Seriously...inner head monologue was like "OH SHIT, BANANAS!!!!!"

And so I bought some.  

I don't even like bananas.  I remembered once I got home.

Damn bananas. 

You like that, don't you?

You like how I did my last post without even mentioning my hiatus?  It's because I'm going to pretend as if it never happened.

You saw nothing.  *insert penguin mysteriously waving his flappers*

I have no excuse...besides...blogging is a lot of work!  Shew.

Also, I used to write about being healthy and "losing weight" and whatnot...who wants to read that shit?  It's b.o.r.i.n.g.  At least, for me it was.  Also, I kind of quit working out.

<insert excuses here>

But really, work is stressing me out, yo.  Plus, I've been doing a ton of volunteer work for a foundation that probably wouldn't like to be mentioned in this blog.  Since, you know, I might occasionally say a word like fuck.  It's inappropriate in conjunction with the amazing, wonderful, uplifting, and inspiring work they do.  Oh, and I try to help a bit.

I use my mad skills yo.  As an event coordinator, of course.  I don't think they care about many of my other skills.  

Anyways, I've been doing a lot of work with them, and well...I don't have 10,000 amazing fans yet, so no one was waiting around for me.

Also, I'm lazy as fuck when I get home.

Give me some yoga pants/shorts/undies, a t-shirt, something to do (that would never count as work), and a beer and I am good to go.  Well, not beer everyday.  But I do love me some beer.

Speaking of which...my bottle is empty. 

Deal Breaker

So, today I decided that maybe I should start actually looking for a place to live in Lexington...where I work, spend all my free time, and try to date.   You know, since living 30 minutes away kind of cramps my style. 

Anywho...I looked for a bit, and since I'm an 'A' type, I already know what I'm looking for.  So, I go and look at this cute one-story duplex, for lack of a better word.  At first, I'm thinking:

Hey, this is a nice neighborhood...
Oooh, I'm so close to work and places I like to go...
OMGGG, there's a Mexican restaurant I can WALK to!!!

And then I was thinking:

Wait, is she pulling in here with this raised caddy on dubs?
Oh god, she IS pulling in here with this raised caddy with dubs!
Ok, maybe they just really love Caddy's.  Let's go look around.

And then she opened the door:

Oh no.  This kitchen is as big as my current bathroom.
Is that a window unit???
I think I went color blind on the way in...is that orange tile in the bathroom?
Maybe the closet is awesome.
*opens closet*HOLY GUAC, a dead MOLE CRICKET!!!!!*closes closet as calmly as possible.

I need to note, that by this point, I'm lying like a pro at how the place is really "nice".  

Southern charm, we call it.

So she tells me that they go very quickly, and I'd have to have a deposit on it by Friday...it's Wednesday.  

I tell her I will definitely call her and let her know as I'm walking to my car.

Once I get in the car and back away from the lot ever so slowly, I'm debating.

No, really, I'm actually debating.

Then I get to the light...

Wait, there wasn't anyplace to plug up a washer and dryer.

I barely do laundry now, and I have a washer and dryer all to myself in my house...they really think I'm going to go to a laundromat???  I'd never wear clean clothes again.

That was the deal breaker.